Touch Yourself First: How to DIY a Sexy Website Audit (No Dev Required)
Share
Before you slip into the next promo or restock your best-seller, let’s talk about something even hotter: your website. Is it seducing your visitors or leaving them dry? If your traffic is high but conversions are low—or worse, your bounce rate is as high as your heels—it’s time for a self-check.
No dev? No problem. This DIY audit will help you inspect your site like a lover—curious, thorough, and unapologetically turned on by performance.
SECTION 1: 👀 First Impressions—Are You Giving Main Character?
Homepage Hotness: Does it feel like your brand within 3 seconds? Or could it be anyone’s store?
Hero Image or Video: Is it bold, high-quality, and telling a story? Are you showing product in use (sensually, but SFW)?
Messaging: Is your brand voice clear, confident, and speaking to your people? Taglines, headlines, and CTAs should feel like a sultry whisper, not a corporate shrug.
Age Gate: Do you have one? Is it on-brand, fast, and mobile-friendly?
💋 Pro tip: Open your site in incognito mode. Pretend it’s your first time. Are you intrigued or turned off?
SECTION 2: 💅 User Experience—Is It Smooth, or Does It Chafe?
Mobile First: 80%+ of adult traffic comes from mobile. Is your mobile site fast, sexy, and scroll-friendly?
Navigation: Are categories intuitive? Is your menu clean and clickable, or cluttered and confusing?
Search Bar: If you sell more than 10 products, you need one. Bonus points if it’s predictive.
🖤 Kiekie’s kink: Frictionless flow. Your customer should go from “just looking” to “take my money” without a single headache.
SECTION 3: 💳 Checkout Foreplay—Fast, Frictionless, Compliant
Payment Options: Do you offer Shop Pay, PayPal, discreet CC processing? Adult-friendly processors like Segpay or NetBilling are a must.
Shipping + Returns Info: Is it easy to find, clear, and confidence-building?
Policy Pages: Privacy, Terms, and Refund pages—do you have them, and do they look like you, not a legal bot?
🔥 Red flag alert: If your cart feels sketchy or broken, you’re losing heat and sales.
SECTION 4: 📸 Product Pages—Are You Giving Orgasm or Meh?
Photos: Crisp, high-res, showing scale and texture. Lifestyle photos? Even better.
Copy: Is it educational, sexy, and inclusive? Think benefits over specs: “Tease your G-spot with precision” > “4” silicone wand.”
Reviews: Are they visible, juicy, and verified?
💅 Turn-on tip: Use badges or icons to highlight key features—body-safe, waterproof, beginner-friendly, etc.
SECTION 5: ✨ The Intangibles—Is It Memorable?
Branding Consistency: Are your fonts, colors, and tone cohesive across the site?
Loading Speed: Use tools like GTmetrix or PageSpeed Insights.
SEO Basics: Do your pages have clear titles, meta descriptions, and alt text? You don’t need to be a techie to optimize the basics.
🖤 Final stroke: Is your site share-worthy? Would someone DM it to a friend? Bookmark it for later? That’s the gold standard.
Conclusion:
Your site is your best salesperson. It works 24/7, never asks for PTO, and doesn’t ghost. But only if you give it love, attention, and the occasional tune-up.
So grab your lube (jk… unless 👀), open your site, and do a little solo audit. And if you want a second set of eyes—or a full-on kinky rebrand—you know where to find us.
CTA:
✨ Want a pro to give your site the full-body treatment? Book a Kiekie Quickie Audit and we’ll tell you exactly how to turn your site from meh to mmm, yes. 💻💦